Have you ever seen yourself; I mean your girl. To then feel overwhelmed thinking how did you take yourself to a place you dislike?

This happened to me, and worse, I thought I was being mean to my mother who never gave me the love and attention I needed. I was blaming myself for not understanding her. The reality was that I was treating myself the same way she used to treat me. I was ignoring myself, considering me selfish because I was asking to fulfill my needs, and, now that I see it, I was even punishing myself.

While it is true that my mother did her best; it is also a fact that her best made me suffer. Although I understand this, I don’t have to justify it. Moreover, I have the right to be angry.

One of the best decisions I have made in my life is to invest in my wellbeing. I was worried about money. So, I enrolled in the “Five Months of ReWire” with Barbara Huson. I don’t see money as an issue anymore; money is my friend, I love it, deserve it, respect it; it comes to me easily and effortlessly when I hold tight my power, my self-love, and my self-respect. Clients come to me, and money floods me if I put myself first and take care of me properly.

Homework for the Big Girl

Barbara taught me this exercise:

“Make a visualization, see yourself as a girl and talk with her, what does she has to say? How can you comfort her? Be the mother she didn’t have, give her the love and attention she craves.”

I followed Barbara’s instructions, and I saw not one, but three girls, three little Monicas craving for love and attention. The youngest one is five years old and wanted her teddy bear, the one my mother trashed. The second one is ten years old and was suffering because the maid used to tell her she was ugly and fat. The third one is fifteen years old, she was changing from girl to woman and needed a mother, she needed much love, comfort, support, and advice.

I realized I had seen them before; this is the second time Barbara advice me to take care of my girls. I even purchased two teddy bears a beige one and a grey one. One would be for the five years old Monica and the other one for the ten years old Monica, who still missed it. But the first time I gave them the bears and left them alone; like my mother used to do with me. I was repeating the pattern. Not anymore!

In my next meditation, I held the teddy bears in my arms; I learned that little five years old Monica loves them; she wanted the beige one, she named it Carlos, like the old one she lost. Ten years old Monica loved the grey one and named it Jake. The fifteen years old one had been so afraid dealing with life all alone. She was much better; she didn’t want a teddy bear, she needed a hug.

I gave myself and my girls, permission to be angry and to express our anger. But my goal is to make the four of us happy.

In my meditation, we went to the beach; we were on a beautiful blue and white striped beach couch; the four of us and the two bears. I can’t describe the sense of joy; these girls are so smart and sweet. I am so smart and sweet.

I told the three girls how beautiful they are; how much I love them and care for them. I apologized, and they/I forgave me. None of them will ever be alone because I am here to give them/me all the love and attention they/I want. I promised to keep us always safe, even when we jump out of the comfort zone. Together we are brave to fight the resistance, and face life with pride.

Things have changed, I learned the lesson. I invite them to my meditations every day so that we can be together. I also take them to exercise, that’s fun. They participate when I am writing; they are here right now telling me to tell you, my beloved reader, that they love me, and that we are grateful for you reading our story. We share many other activities together.

When I can’t take them with me, I have the teddy bears on a chair in my bedroom; I put them in charge to take care of my little ones while I am back; so they are never alone. The teddy bears are loving and soft; they will never hurt them.

I am committed to taking care of my girls with much love, patience, respect, and delicacy; to give them the mother they/I didn’t have because they/I am my most precious jewel. So I am to live the best life I can imagine with them. Also, my girls/I am free to talk and say what we dislike, to feel our emotions and show them.

All this brings my power back; I feel the courage to own who I am, and face my bright future.

Yes, perhaps I put myself in a place I dislike; the same way I can take my girls/I to the place where we want to be with blissful affluence.

Monique Paul

Monique Paul

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